During the 2007-2010 period at Jive Software, we regularly updated our internal deployment of SBS (called 'brewspace'). Many of these updates required a restart of the service, and most of those were announced in the internal chat server. Here are some of the announcements... (psst: most of these have a tongue-in-cheek quality.) ------- There've been a couple of complaints about profanity in brewspace, and in order to fend off any heavy-handed-policies being levied upon us, Professional Services has supplied us with a profanity-neutering plugin. We'll be installing this plugin at around 10:40 p.m. Portland time -- expect about fifteen minutes of downtime while the existing data is processed. The plugin is a simple phrase-substitution engine. It keeps the same first three characters of the obscenity, but replaces the remainder, automatically translating the offensive words into ordinary terms with neutral connotations. As a free spirit, I mourn the loss of brewspace as an expressive avenue. It's a good thing that Openfire still lets you send messages just as you wrote them. In fact, let me tell you what I really think about this plugin: "You cocKERELS can't do this! I'll be scrABBLED if I let you get away with this bulLETIN! Trying to cut back on the use of words like dicKENSIAN and assUMED in brewspace is a mug's game -- the fucHSIAS that work here will just overload the system with shiP and sucH and son-of-a-bitMAP." ------- Code improvements are like... they're like... like wind-driven snow filling the notches along the highway centerline. The minute particles align and crystalize, and together, smooth over the rough edges, close the gaps, erase the scars. Each bit is, by itself, irrelevant, ignorable, insignificant -- but we wake up in the morning to find a changed world, a more polished world. So it is with BREWSPACE UPDATE FAITHFULLY at 10:27 p.m. Portland time. -------- All right, people, it's down to the wire; and each of you has a part to play. SBS 3.0 will be released next Monday, the 16th. That means we've got just four days to uncover any major bugs in this product before we debut it to the world. What do I mean by a "major" bug? One that would embarrass us: one serious enough to damage our reputation. We can't afford to let one of those out. If you're even thinking of asking, "What's that got to do with me? Catching bugs is QA's problem.", then you understand nothing about Jive. We /are/ Jive; we're all we've got. If such a bug is there, and we don't find it by Monday, then we will all suffer. So get to hunting. Push the envelope. Look for something ugly. To make it easier for you, I've arranged an internal "final testing" web site for you to use. The good news is, you already know the URL: https://brewspace.jiveland.com Brewspace update coming at 9:45 p.m. --------- I got a secret. No, I won't tell. It's a secret. No! That's for me to know and you to find out. You'll never guess, not in a million million years. Never guess it, nyah, nyah. Oh; you guessed it. Brewspace update at 8:45 p.m. Portland time. How'd you know? ------- BOB: I'll take, "Abstract Existance" for $200, Alex. ALEX: The $200 clue is: Between the Cascade Mountains and the Pacific Ocean, north of the 45th parallel, south of the mighty Columbia. BOB: "Where is tonight's brewspace update?" ALEX: Right, you're $200 richer. And let's break for a commercial. ANNOUNCER: Have you been wondering when the brewspace update will happen? Well, hang onto your hats, folks, it's coming right up! BREWSPACE UPDATE at 8:07 p.m. Portland time. --------- Naturists say, "Mosquitos are only doing what they've evolved to be doing. They harbor no malice toward their warm-blooded hosts, they're just in pursuit of a snack. Same thing for the fleas that trouble your domestic pets -- the flea bites not from anger nor vindictiveness, but from simple need. Bugs, in general, have as great a right to live as any higher animal." Here's a wake-up call for the naturists: bugs got no rights in Jive engineering. Bugs will be hunted down, stomped, gassed, erased, deleted, retired, extinctified, removed, retired, expired, deported, destroyed, diss'd, fried, flipped-off, garroted, and so forth -- ON SIGHT. And the next round of public bug executions is coming up. Brewspace update at 8:47 p.m. Portland time. -------- Should there be an unexpected loss of brewspace pressure, oxygen masks will automatically drop from the panel above your head. Simply grasp the mask, pull firmly to start the flow of oxygen, and place the mask over your nose and mouth. Breath normally. BREWSPACE UPDATE (now with more better Search!) AT 9:25 p.m. Portland time Hiya, the new code is on brewspace, but the search index is not quite done rebuilding. Don't judge the new code by the search results you see in the next hour... in fact, you should knock off and have a glass of red wine. See you tomorrow. ------- Light is an odd phenomenon. Put aside all the evolutionary ramifications of phototropism in organisms -- just consider, at a most basic level, the perception of light by humans. Perception of a phenomena implies existence of the phenomena; if we admit its existence, we may properly query, "How?". How is light produced? It is high school science that light is "electromagnetic energy in the visible spectrum", but then what does that mean? In your mind's eye, come with me to the atomic level, where whirling clouds of electrons endlessly circle nuclei. Recall that electrons orbit in well-defined levels, and that those levels' distance from the core is a function of the quantity of energy in the electron. Add enough energy to the electron (just heat the atom!), and the electron will jump, all at once, to a higher orbit. Remove energy from the electron (allow the atom to cool), and the electron won't be able to stay up there. It wavers, it totters on the brink -- and then, all at once, it drops to a lower orbit... and disposes of its excess energy by throwing off a photon. How fast does the photon move? you know. Where does it wind up? it depends -- but you can say for certain is that the photons emitted by the LCD pixels on your screen behind *this writing* landed on your retinas. BREWSPACE UPDATE at 8:25 pm Portland time. Duration 5 minutes -- there'll be a quiz later on quanta, please review your notes while brewspace is offline. ------- Knock, knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting Moooo cow who? brewspace update at 8:45 p.m. Portland time. --------- We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of SBS! And what do we want from the wizard? I want issue #CS-1402 corrected! I want better RTE menu undraw! I want a bunch of little fiddly bugs fixed! And the wizard says, "Ye shall have what you desire... just as soon as I get my coffee." Brewspace update coming at 7:25 a.m. Portland time --------- Which sense is the most delicate? Sight, in that the eye can detect a million shades of green in a verdant hillside? Hearing, as when a minor vocal waver in your S.O.'s voice raises a flag? Touch, thrilling at the spongey retropressure of the fuzz of the peach? Taste, ferreting out the cardamon spice in the braised orange slices? Or smell, that harbinger of misplaced memories, calling up a scene from your past on the whiff of a single note? Before you ponder the choice, save your document; BREWSPACE UPDATE at 8:05 p.m. Portland time ------- "Let that be a lesson to you", sneered the secret policeman, "you should never believe that you're alone, or think that your acts will go unnoticed." Randi struggled against the cable that tethered her to the vehicle. "It's just an orange, just a single orange! And not even a big one -- it's not a crime unless it's a big one." "Everything is a crime, and so everyone is a criminal. You're all in constant violation of the law. It's like the old SALCO system; violating a SALCO rule was grounds for instant termination, but the rules were too twisted and arcane for anyone to comply with." The prisoner knew, almost instinctively, that there'd be no trial, no judge, no peers to witness her conviction. She played the only card she had left: "You want half?" Brewspace Update (and peteville update) coming at 9:20 p.m. Portland time -- Badam Phirni - Its smooth, rich, creamy taste has made it appear on the menu of VIP parties. Badam phirnis are a hit with visiting international dignitories. Here's how you can make it in a jiffy at home. Ingredients: 2 Cups milk 2 tbsp. Rice 3 tbsp. Sugar 1/4th Cup blanched almonds (sliced) 1 tsp. Green cardamom (crushed) 1/2 tsp Kewra essence Silver or gold foil paper (varak) Bring the brewspace to a boil, then cover and simmer for five minutes. Fluff the rice with a spork. Mince the silver and the Kewra, and mix well with the cardamom. Enjoy! Brewspace Update (and peteville update) coming at 9:50 p.m. Portland time -- There are those that like circles, and those that like regular polygons, but it's rare to find a person who likes both equally. The nature of a polygon is discrete. The nature of a circle is continuous. And you will find that people, excepting a rare few, have natures which are likewise either discrete or continuous. Brewspace update coming at 6:55 a.m. Portland time -- Brewspace Update coming at 8:20 p.m. Portland time. This will be a poignant tale of two pets, a doggie and a kittie, who are accidentally lost when the little girl who cares for them moves to a new town. The doggie, named Ralph, and the kittie, named BoBo, have to fend for themselves in the harsh winter weather. They're chased by urban wolves, of both two and four legged varieties , and it's not 'til they encounter a friendly old hobo down by the railroad depot that they get a good night's rest. Now ask yourself: Did I think that things were going to turn out alright for Ralph and BoBo? Or did I think that the hobo was really a bad man who would hurt them? -------------- Hey, the red carpet at the Oscars had some Pop! and Sizzle! tonight. And Jackman's got vaudeville talent, who knew? We're watching the local digital HDTV station via a silly little loop of aluminum wire that I threw up on the roof (connected to a 300 ohm - 75 ohm transformer of course). My satellite dish didn't bring in signals this clearly! By the way, Brewspace update coming at 6:05 p.m. Portland time. Wowsa. ---- Clever, clever: when the babysitter stayed at the house to watch the three boys, the twelve-year-old middle son concocted a scheme to spy on the nineteen-year old woman. The old house's heating ducts ran in the walls, and on the top floor they terminated in registers at the base of the walls -- generally on interior walls, and, befitting the thriftiness of the sons of the pioneers who built the place, generally in opposing pairs. This meant that the furnace register in the master bedroom was immediately behind the register in the master bath, and a person crouching on the floor of the bedroom could look through the wrought iron grates of the registers from one room to the other. From the darkened bedroom to the BATHROOM, are you following me? Brewspace Update coming at 9:01 p.m. Portland time. --- What's so funny about peace, love, and the Advanced E-Mail Plugin? Nothin', nuthin', and nuttin'. They're all more scarce than they should be, though -- particularly the last one. Is the .jar file on Jivespace the current version? Who knows? There's no version # in the file name. I'm gonna kick Bill in the shins tomorrow, him and his "Oooo, we can't have any ugly build numbers in file names." Grrr. It's not in our continuous build system, where o' where could it be? If I can't find the latest plugin .jar, we're not putting it in brewspace tonight. But by golly, there's gonna be a brewspace code update at 9:30 p.m. Portland time. --- Workers of the Jive world unite! And log out of brewspace for a while so I can update the code. I mean really; it's SATURDAY NIGHT! Haven't you got dates or something? Shouldn't you be reading a good novel? Snuggling up with a beloved pet? Chalking your cue for the 9-ball break? Munching popcorn before the feature starts? It's the last day of February 2009 -- and it will never be this day again. Now Git! Brewspace update at 8:00 p.m. Portland time. --- What is lacking here is oversight: these brewspace update announcements are going out without any screening, without any prior approval, without even the bare gloss of a peer review. I'm telling you, it's only a matter of time before one goes out with a glaring error. What if it leaks proprietary information and so divulges a trade secret? What if it says something inappropriate about the quality of the new feature? It could damage the image of the LateNightBrewspaceUpdateDepartment within the company. What if the time announced is wrong, it says 8:30 but the announcement comes out at 8:32, and the system is up at 8:33. Was the update already applied, or not? I tell ya, we gotta get some heads on this. Brewspace update at 8:30 p.m. Portland time. ------ Hey Honey, I'm home. Hi! Why are you late, did the car act up again? No, I just stopped by the grocery store on the way home to pick up a few things. But dear, I went shopping last night... the list was empty. Oh, I know, just a few things... err... that we needed. ... ... ... You went to see her, didn't you? Whut? You WENT TO SEE HER! I know you did! Huh... uhhh.... I YOU S.O.B! That's it, I'm OUTA HERE Brewspace Update at 10PM